The LATE Men Revisited

This is an update to my series about the LATE Men – adult men who are developmentally stuck as Lost, Angry Teenagers. In previous articles, I’ve highlighted several causes of these developmental problems, including childhood trauma, biological, social, and cultural factors, and the lack of appropriate role models for young boys.

The LATE Men

The LATE Men are emotionally and behaviorally under-developed, and like teenagers, they often show up late – late to mature, and late to make or keep commitments. These men tend to self-sabotage, causing relationship distress, and problems at work and at home. LATE Men may be narcissistic, lack fully formed and coherent identities, and they often have anger management problems. They can be passive-aggressive, defensive, and avoidant.

Disconnection

The LATE Men suffer the consequences of disconnection – from fulfilling relationships, meaningful work, and from feeling valued in their community. They are disconnected from their own sense of personal value and status, and from their internal emotional and psychological sources of disconnection. The causes of disconnection are often based in childhood trauma, including abandonment, neglect, and abuse, along with a lack of strong, loving, involved adult men while growing up.

One of the most powerful and omnipresent sources of disconnection for boys and men today is social media and other forms of digital escape.

Social Media and Digital Mayhem

Research indicates that adult men devote approximately 5.5 hours each day to non-work-related screen use. Those numbers appear to be even higher for teenagers and young men in their 20’s – about 6-7 hours a day. The activities that account for the greatest share of men’s screen time include:

• Social media (YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, Tik Toc, Reddit, X)
• Video and streaming entertainment and news
• Sports apps and streaming services
• Gaming sites
• Pornography
• Online gambling and sports betting

Digital Dependence as Cause and Effect

The excessive use of screen time by LATE Men can accurately be described as dependency, obsession, compulsion, and/or addiction. This is a complicated problem. It would be a mistake to blame men for simply being irresponsible, lazy, careless or apathetic. Rather, it is now widely known that social media sites and other digital platforms are intentionally designed to “hook” the user. Infinite scrolling and algorithms that provide limitless content targeted to the user’s interests stimulate the reward centers of the brain, resulting in an addictive process.

There are several additional forces that lead to digital dependence:

• Relationship distress and social isolation – The LATE Men find solace with online relationships, and it is easier and less risky than close personal, intimate connections.
• Validation – Interpersonal validation is readily available online, requiring little risk or effort. Direct, in-person relationships are more sustaining and are far less curated (the whole person, not just what we present superficially online). Online relationships are a poor substitute for the richness of true intimacy.
• Emotional regulation – A process that is similar to the use of alcohol and drugs. Men are rarely taught to identify feelings, and they don’t know how to manage distressing emotions. They self-medicate feelings of sadness, shame, and fear by escaping into the digital world. These sites and platforms are a temporary fix for boredom, loneliness, frustration, inadequacy, and other types of emotional distress.
• Achievement – Men need to feel and believe they are effective, productive, and successful. Online gambling and gaming often provide feelings of accomplishment and “winning”.
• Sexual needs – Pornography and the use of chat sites for sexual release and satisfaction have dramatically increased over the past 10-15 years. Many LATE Men avoid intimacy because of fears and shame. Pornography fills the gap but is ultimately unfulfilling and potentially damaging. These platforms are easily accessible, without the risk of complicated relationship demands and commitments.

There are many negative consequences of excessive screen time:

• Depression and anxiety – A number of studies now document a direct correlation between digital dependence, depression and anxiety. These emotional struggles are both a cause and effect of excessive screen time.
• Relationship distress – Due to the avoidance of intimacy, and the use of pornography resulting in conflict, disconnection, and emotional turmoil in relationships.
• Negative impact on sleep, work, and family time – Studies document a correlation between sleep disturbance and screen time, and the same is true with work and family engagement.
• Financial problems – Due to online gambling and lower productivity with work.
• Social and political extremism, polarization, and violence – These troubling patterns are particularly prevalent among men. Men are twice as likely to support partisan violence as women. These lost and angry men sometimes have racist, sexist, homophobic, and antisemitic views. The online universe provides them with unlimited sources of misinformation that perpetuate these extremist views, and may contribute to social isolation, polarity, and even violence in a limited number of cases.

Almost all of the men I have worked with over the past 25 years have identified with many of these challenges and struggles. They are good men who, in many cases, have struggled because they did not receive the love, support, guidance, and positive role models they needed to develop into loving, responsible adults. I have spent hundreds of hours working with these men in individual therapy, along with almost 20 years leading an ongoing weekly men’s therapy group. In the process, I have learned a great deal from these men and have been enriched by them in countless ways. I am deeply grateful for the trust they’ve placed in me, and for the opportunity to accompany them on their journeys. It has been a privilege and an honor to witness their courage, growth, and remarkable capacity for change.

Please contact me for further information about men’s issues and therapy for men.